Saturday, August 11, 2012

How to Archer: The Ultimate Guide to Espionage and Style And Women and Also Cocktails Ever Written, Sterling Archer (2011)

All I can say is that this book is fabulously written in Archer's voice. And if you love the FX show Archer, then the book is worth reading. The selections below are my favorite. They showcase Archer's style, his perpetual fabrication of words and phrases, and his random uses of pop culture references.

Guy's hilarious. Enjoy. Danger Zone!

But just when the pirates got within grappling-hook range ... bam! Out comes the ol' Jolly Roger, and then the pirates would spend the rest of the afternoon raping the woolen pants off everybody. 10

For a while I tried getting people to say spechnology (a clever portmanteau of "spy" and "technology"), but I couldn't get anybody to get on board for the big win. 27

These locations are normally patrolled by two or more giant and ferocious Rottweilers, which I must incapacitate using "hush puppies" (a combination of knockout drops and bacon)... 30

*38 ... will then provide me with the intelligence I need to keep you safe at home in your cheap, metal-framed bed, in which you're probably lying, right now, waiting for Green Acres to come on so you can masturbate to Ralph. 30

While technically a garment, the Tactleneck(r)---an even cleverer portmanteau of "tactical" and "turtleneck"--is an indispensable piece of equipment, and one without which I would never consider embarking on a mission. [...] And after the mission, I just throw a smart blazer over it and I'm ready for a night on the town. 32

You get to your place just as Big Blowzy does, and before you know it, all three of you are covered in champagne and grape-seed oil and feathers, and blasting form your stereo--at that very moment--is no other than Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison."
And then you die. 44

For reasons unbeknownst to me, an inordinate amount of international espionage is centered around casinos. I would like to believe it's because secret agents ... live incredibly exciting lives [...] But the truth is, it's much more likely because the type of person who is attracted to a career in the clandestine services to begin with--slightly arrogant, somewhat shallow, hypersexual high-functioning alcoholics with incredibly addictive personalites--is really just there for the glamorous ambience, the top-shelf booze, and the world-class hookers. 47-48

However, I think I've also made it pretty clear that I don't like to invite comparison to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. 81
(He is actually referring to James Bond, not Voldermort.)

Gummi Roy: 5 gummi bears, 2 ounces scotch. 79

Pisco Sour: Not to sound like a dick, but except for Paddington Bear (who is totally awesome!!!) Peru has never had much going for it. I mean, even the gruff-yet-loveable Paddington got out of there on the first train he could hop. 87

But instead of a tasteful rendering of a handsome man introducing a beautiful woman to the subtle melange of complex emotions and intense physical pleasure which is anal sex, I get a gingerbread centaur shitting out a soccer ball. 145

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