Guy's hilarious. Enjoy. Danger Zone!
But just when the pirates got within grappling-hook range ... bam! Out comes the ol' Jolly Roger, and then the pirates would spend the rest of the afternoon raping the woolen pants off everybody. 10
For a while I tried getting people to say spechnology (a clever portmanteau of "spy" and "technology"), but I couldn't get anybody to get on board for the big win. 27
These locations are normally patrolled by two or more giant and ferocious Rottweilers, which I must incapacitate using "hush puppies" (a combination of knockout drops and bacon)... 30
*38 ... will then provide me with the intelligence I need to keep you safe at home in your cheap, metal-framed bed, in which you're probably lying, right now, waiting for Green Acres to come on so you can masturbate to Ralph. 30
While technically a garment, the Tactleneck(r)---an even cleverer portmanteau of "tactical" and "turtleneck"--is an indispensable piece of equipment, and one without which I would never consider embarking on a mission. [...] And after the mission, I just throw a smart blazer over it and I'm ready for a night on the town. 32
You get to your place just as Big Blowzy does, and before you know it, all three of you are covered in champagne and grape-seed oil and feathers, and blasting form your stereo--at that very moment--is no other than Bell Biv DeVoe's "Poison."
And then you die. 44
For reasons unbeknownst to me, an inordinate amount of international espionage is centered around casinos. I would like to believe it's because secret agents ... live incredibly exciting lives [...] But the truth is, it's much more likely because the type of person who is attracted to a career in the clandestine services to begin with--slightly arrogant, somewhat shallow, hypersexual high-functioning alcoholics with incredibly addictive personalites--is really just there for the glamorous ambience, the top-shelf booze, and the world-class hookers. 47-48
However, I think I've also made it pretty clear that I don't like to invite comparison to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. 81
(He is actually referring to James Bond, not Voldermort.)
Gummi Roy: 5 gummi bears, 2 ounces scotch. 79
Pisco Sour: Not to sound like a dick, but except for Paddington Bear (who is totally awesome!!!) Peru has never had much going for it. I mean, even the gruff-yet-loveable Paddington got out of there on the first train he could hop. 87
But instead of a tasteful rendering of a handsome man introducing a beautiful woman to the subtle melange of complex emotions and intense physical pleasure which is anal sex, I get a gingerbread centaur shitting out a soccer ball. 145